Escape

There was this guy, he was a man of course and that's important in what is to come . He thought he was a bit different than the average male, he was told so, by men, by women, by both. It didn't make him special, just different, that's it...! O.K the difference; so he thought, remember he only thought, he could never certify it as fact of course, just thinking, it was emotional, it was open, it was direct. He wanted to express what he felt because that was the thing, what he felt he couldn't control; emotions, moods, feelings! You can try to seek ways to control these, you can apply thought restrictions, mechanisms and schemes in books, in apps, in payment, in making you socially relevant to your peers. All laudable I'm sure but I'm describing what I can only perceive as a personal thing, the 'un-controllable'. The un-remitting, quiet but powerful sub-text to all of our existences,  that we can't buy, or purchase, or manage or micro effect, or...... erase! It's the emotion that dictates you, emanates from your core and predominates your life without exception.  It can happen I'm led to believe over a course of time, it can be the result of hormones, it can be a terrible, terrible mental health issue where people often become the cause rather than the solution, it can come out of no-where or be relationship based or environmental or even social. In some cases it can come as a result of trauma, of drama, of shock! That's me (and others I know) and that's my uncontrollable mood, emotion, feeling, 18 months, 21 days, 12 hours on from that very moment.. Personal response..

Loneliness- The quality of being unfrequented and remote, more isolated.

Lonely- Never something to admit as a man because well, 'it's weak', 'and sad' and 'get over it'.

Man- Breathes, acts, sleeps! Evidently.

The wish to be alone- Work, relationships, play and then I'm desperate for some 'me' time and just to be alone. I felt this when with someone.   

Lonesome- Not talked about,'then date','there are those who are destined to be single forever and let's not talk about that'. Difficult. Time. Complicated. For sure.. Alternative?

To express- 'Talk, communicate, don't bottle it up','don't be proud we need to share things'. It's not weakness, it's not strong, it's the opposite of strong, it leads to problems, anxiety, stress and maybe death.. That thing again.....

So I've become adapt at these things as a result of what only I saw, I'm not unique in what I feel or have undergone I understand, but I am in what I saw and what I experienced so it makes me something in all this, it gives me some credence, status. I miss my wife. Fact!

Selfish- Lacking consideration for others.

I don't, I try not to. I think little about my own grief and everything about others. I think about little else and therefore do not think about my own thoughts in that way. I have a responsibility, I have 2 actually, make that 3.. Each occupies my every thought, all the time. I'm self-deprecating, critical, I try not to be wrong, as we all do. I don't always succeed but 'god' from what experience can others advise or opioniate in this?

I- Pertaining to self.

On the 3rd responsibility I wrestle with what to do about loneliness, emptiness, a void, a chasm, a nothingness. Completing our picture, filling this gap. Changing our lives. I'm someone who has always sought the 'rush', the 'thrill', the 'excitement'. I trained as a professional actor, always searching for the ultimate opening night, ergo I've been a runner every day since the age of 13. It does the same thing, transcends me from the normal. I've always been that, looking at the clock, counting down each hour, looking forward to the rush. I don't do drugs, I try to satisfy my emotional cravings in other ways. It's who I am! 'I' again. Sorry....  


Running, reading, meditation, new places, new people, more reading, more running, events, charity, spending money, spending more money, 'occupy yourself', 'keep busy', spend money. Sister loves me, family loves me. Self help, support groups, advice websites, forums, open up, express yourself, blog, don't blog! Keep quiet, try! Open door, shut door, 'your fault', blame, hate, blame, money. Sister loves me! Life, live, 'care for', be a good parent, be a good friend, expect things, expect nothing, get nothing, day after day. Friends contact, friends no contact. Loneliness!  

Boredom- Lack of enthusiasm, lack of interest.

"I want you to write and write and never stop. Don't waste it Matty.."  

I have responsibilities that I am determined to fulfil but the only way these can be fulfilled, is if I do indeed seek to address the un-controllable. 

Is it any wonder therefore that for 'both' of our sakes I do what I do...  No? Yes? 

Love you babes!

No memory is ever out of reach

Our ten year anniversary today (04/04/2005). Seventeen  years as part of one another's life (25/04/1998). You always believed somehow in the possibility of communication, a link or a sign from those no longer in this world, so now I must believe that you are listening and hearing these words.

Today I think about us, just you and me for a moment. My life is so full of thinking and worrying about others, for responsibilities I have and naturally decisions I've taken since we last saw one another. No preparation and no training just the awful difficulty of carrying on and doing what you believed in so much, living! This but without one another in this world. I know you would see the difficulty of this. Some can look and judge but can only imagine what the experience must be like. Just from imagination. There are many who do care though.

You knew I was sceptical, quietly suspicious of what was for you an important truth, so now I will believe in it.  You communicated with me! What you explained to me and how you clarified things when I listened made sense in that moment. Time stopped for an instant again much as it had done when your life began elsewhere. So ten years ago in Kephalonia, and then in Egypt, in Crete and Paris and Athens and the Lake District. In laughter, in fun, in our dark times and our good. Still here, but in a different way.

For the sunset beach and the skipped hearts
getting away and dreaming of freedom. 
A special place, reserved in olive smells, pure white and diamond. 
No memory is ever out of reach.

Forgetting the undercurrent amidst shifting golden sands. 
No tear emotions and the intimacy of laughter, of fun and hope.
"This could be us, this could be our dream". Leaving it all for a moment,
No memory is ever out of reach.

The belief in you, the belief in me, in us. 
Change, never still for one moment. The want that hurt us. 
Secret thoughts, talking flows, talking stops. Silence and watching whilst others seemed to take flight. 
No memory is ever out of reach. 

Island, out of reach and difficult to get to.
A dream, an image, a better life. 
The outstretched arm, hand, grasping at nothing.
No memory is ever out of reach, 
Neither should no dream or want.

04/08/2005

M. xx    

    

Frozen

Shock accompanies disbelief, disbelief to a numb feeling, numbness to pain and loss, loss to this perpetual questioning, imagining,' thinking out loud' of what has gone and what is being lived through in the present and what might be in the future. Frozen thoughts and memories that remain still forever.  Endless imagined conversations are played over in the mind, like a playwright composing dialogue for a tragic tale of separation and loss. The dialogue comes thick and fast, is vivid and real, it stirs emotions of pain and anger, hurt and longing . It can stop you in your tracks just as soon as it starts or recoil to a dark place to gather its own thoughts again for the next assault. Convenient narratives contrived in the absence of knowing and truth. Such is the journey of grief and bereavement. Bereavement, the period of loss as one adjusts to trauma. Grief, the mental and emotional suffering one undergoes after loss. Definitions and explanations of all too real experiences. The period of coming to terms with losing someone you loved and cared for , still care for in essence and this ability now to separate what was once in this life that has now past, with what is currently happening, with what might be all too real in the future!

It is nigh on one year now since my wife Sue so tragically lost her amazingly courageous battle with illness. A year that of course has seen so much; unprecedented, un-chartered happenings. Laughter, getting on, difficulties, pain, hope, belief, they have all come and gone, like life does! Ebbing  and flowing like the tide simply underlining the unprecedented nature of what I live through now. No preparation or training, no 'would have done it this way or that' simply personal, unique and utterly, utterly private. In the same way that other family and friends endure the same journey albeit in their own way, but also personal and private.

I'm remembering my wife at the moment as this brilliant 'would be' businesswoman, entrepreneur, this extraordinary visionary! I wish she could sort mine and Lily's I.T issues out. Ha! Ha! She is power dressed and in control, at the head of an organisation. No doubt she would have seen 'Sue Sheppard Inc' on some gold plate in her own life had she just been given half a chance, half a chance in business and half a chance in life. Sue made her own luck, created her own chances from nothing, given more time she would have achieved even better things and scaled new heights. It was happening!

Lily remembers the glamour and dresses, high heels and make up. She also remembers this wonderful, caring and loving mum who knew how to instruct and love in an equal, effortless manner, something her dad is struggling to learn now by himself. Friends do amazing charitable deeds raising much needed funds for brilliant causes, keeping alive the memory in many beautiful ways. They describe this unforgettable energy, the fun, laughter and intense joy of life. How Sue was able to 'light up a room'. I understand how much my wife meant to such a lot of people, I also know how much her daughters miss their mum. I know about these things and I care about these things, deeply! I want these words to convey just that. She remains very much here in those memories day by day.
I enjoy this growing relationship I naturally have with my youngest Lily now. We spend a lot of time together, just being with one another, coming to terms with our loss in our own way and living life. We humour one another, laugh, have 'moments' of course and  make up. I try and understand her love of You-Tube as much as she sits and occasionally listens to me about the importance of reading, the un-importance of mobiles and enjoying the fresh air. But I like to think a bond between father and daughter strengthens day by day. We look out for one another, she is my world and I'd like to think that she cares about her dad too, in just a small way, like that? I think that would make her mum happy!

To all Sue's family and friends one year on. The pain of loss is still acutely felt but she remains very much a part of our dreams and memories for now and always.
Shine on Suzy this year, next year and forever.
      

We Remember

Message to Sue. She does good! I get letters commending Lily's outstanding attitude to learning, one of the top pupils in her year. The science department think her hard work is amazing. She go's running sometimes now like her dad always does. She eats an orange a day. She has many friends, she laughs and tries to enjoy her life. Like her dad! I hope you would be OK with that? I think you would.

What is the thing that separates need from want, desire from merely accepting, the struggle to determine the differences between right from wrong in areas that are more grey than simply black and white? Opinions, thoughts, views, experiences, feelings, the desire to seek some universal truth! If there is one? "Its a personal thing," "I struggle with it but am happy for you?" What?  

I started this blog as a way of expressing some of my thoughts and to get 'things' off my chest . To make vivid the realities of what we all have to face at some point and in so doing make some small contribution to helping or informing others I suppose. It's called 'Dying to Know' because amongst the very ordinary things that we all cope with everyday; getting ready for work, getting the kids up, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, after school clubs, trying to have our own lives (!), money, debt, nice times (!), kids, kids and kids, love and fun, in the background, always, is the spectre of also deeper things, the things that we might shove to the back of a drawer like an old grotty pair of socks; the cheery thoughts of death, illness, mortality! Not really part of my life in my 20's/ 30's but now very much a feature of it in my 40's for one reason and another. Perhaps the bare truth of all our glorious uncertainties, glorious in so much that life can offer such riches, but can also be cruel, vindictive and hurtful like grief is.  These things, unpalatable truths,  happen to us all eventually in one way or another so in life what should we do? Worry about all that in-perpetuity? God no! Surely not! Life is to be lived, whilst we can, whilst we are healthy, our children are healthy and happy and the sun shines. Ergo. Enjoy whilst we can! So when one suffers un-imaginable trauma, when a natural or un-natural disorder takes place well before all our times there are of course a number of principals that suddenly, inextricably come into place:
Number 1: Forgo everything that you feel or may want for the sake of the children.
And Remember
Number 2: Make sure the memory of the deceased remains as positive and vivid as it can be forever.
So Remember
Number 3: Keep close friends and relatives abreast of every personal development that now takes place in your life because they have a right to know.
But Still Remember
Number 4: Do all of this as a novice, as an in-experienced widow and take into account the advice and thoughts of others who are not, who have not experienced this, yet feel completely obliged to impart to you the wisdom of their experiences of life to apparently help in the happiness of your's. Because evidently it's their way of honouring the deceased. 
But good God Remember  
Number 5: Remember there are a number of relatives, friends and acquaintances who couldn't be more than happy that you are apparently trying to get on with your life.
Remember this
Number 6: Continue to pay bills and greet children in the morning as if the new day could be the day that changes everything for the better.

But Remember that whatever your changed circumstances, the grief, the darkness, the endless loneliness and inevitability, debts still need to maintained, houses still need to be heated, fuel continues to go into cars and lives therefore still need to be lived . Practically and emotionally!

So that's another principal that I have come to terms with. I try to live my life post my wonderful Sue, make my choices, take my route; this pathway has been difficult for some but in grief, in the circumstances that me and my young daughter find ourselves in, we talk endlessly, glowingly about new! New experiences, new horizons, new possibilities.... Do you know what, the very thing my Sue's and me discussed, that took us away from the immediate difficulties of our present, the wish for something else, for us, for our children beyond the here, yes! New horizons, new experiences that she can grow and thrive in her own unique way. And that's another impenetrable, unmovable fact. Despite the angst and anxiety, opinions and thoughts of a few, the most important thing that binds us all together is the fact of remembrance. I don't forget! Who she was, what she meant to many, but most importantly for my daughter the loveliness of her mum. And she will never forget that as long as I'm allowed to try and continue to be the best dad I possibly can in the most difficult of circumstances. The diamond shines bright in some respects because of, not despite of, my life continuing to move on!

I will never forget and therefore neither will Lily..

Shine Bright

When the idea of The Big Garden Fete was conceived I never believed for one minute it would generate the groundswell of goodwill that it did. It is again a source of some comfort to know that my wife was admired and loved by so many, obviously a fact that escaped me during her own life, and quite possibly Susan herself. People contributed their time to the cause, baked cakes, donated prizes and equipment, expressed their love and memories of their good friend, spent money and generally enjoyed themselves in a communal experience that didn't fail to put a smile on everyone's face and a warm glow in the heart. There is something about people you know and people you don't, people you recognise but barely talk to and those that you do coming together in an aim that lifts the spirits and my gratitude and thanks to so many is only matched by the huge positives that emerged from the event. From my special friend Mandy who helps me so much and gave up her garden and kitchen for the day, to her patient husband Ben, Debbie P, Debbie G, Elsa, Michelle, Lee, Lou, Brenda, Janus, Mike and Nikki to all of the partners and the children who pitched in, everyone else who helped, came, took part and spent money, thank-you..... 

I'm in strange place some 5 months, 6 days, approx 14 hours and a few seconds after her death. Amongst other cliches that I have bemoaned about in the past the one transient, moving, evolving certainty is the one to do with time. Time to grieve, time to get on, 'got to crack on', give it time, 'in time you will learn', time when I wake up, time when I go to bed. The clock ticking towards, towards what? Another hour of another day. Making the best of time (Saturday), enduing the worst of times (always). But always time. The one determinant that might improve  things, in guess what, time! This is part of a speech that I gave to close friends at the end of Saturday. I was slightly drunk when I gave it, that's a lie I was very drunk when I gave it but I think I recall I at least got it out. What I wanted to express, to convey was that my wife remains and always will, a part of my life. A permanent memory of love and togetherness. I wasn't drunk when I wrote it I hasten to add, well not that drunk!

I’ll try to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings, as tough as that may be, it would help, to tell you, my dear friends, what goes on inside my head, my heart and my soul, and has done, every day, of every hour, of every minute and every second since that morning on Wednesday 09^th April.

The loss of my wife was and is catastrophic. Utterly the worst thing, the very worst thing for me, Louise and Lily. A complete tragedy the which we will never get over or be free of or forget. Quite the contrary it lives with us always. It lives with me in particular every night, night after night, when Lily and Lou and have gone to bed and I sit alone, in my thoughts. I feel it when I rest my head on my pillow, every night, in the place where Sue and I used to be and all there is now are the diamond encrusted pillows she bought from Next. It lives with me when I wake up at 2.00am, then 3.30am then 4.20am staring at the blackness, quiet, a little standby light on our telly that we used to watch in bed together.  I feel it most when I wake up and have to get ready for the day and I don’t hear the normal “ Make us a cup of tea Matty”,  or when I come home from work and she isn’t there to say, “ Hello Matty!” . These are the times when I don’t forget. And as much as what we do, in her memory, to celebrate the wonderful person that she was, if I’m honest, I really would rather not be doing it. Not have to rely on memories and pictures and the lovely thoughts of my wife by others, nice those these are.  To be truthful I want my wife back. I want my wife to lie next to me again, I want to kiss her hair and smell her face. I want her to smile at me again. I want her to hold my hand. I would trade everything that has happened in her memory, all the wishes, love, memories and cards to have her back laughing, arguing, telling me what to do. And to embrace her tightly, and to kiss her, like we used to do to one another, in the good times, when we needed love. 

But these things will of course never be. So to all of you now, Suze closest friends and now mine. I haven’t moved on, I won’t, can’t, part of me died too on Wed 09^th. But I will learn to get by, and to live with the memory of my life before Sue died. And I will do what Sue would have wanted me to do, as I would, had it happened to me. To turn a page, to start another chapter. To find happiness. I think I'm entitled to that at the very least.

But not for one moment does any of this mean that I will have forgotten, or moved on, or got over it. Just that I am here and will live my life, just like Sue would want for me, as I would for her if it was me dead.

Happy birthday babes for tomorrow, 'Shine Bright Like a Diamond'! You’ll always be in my heart.

   

Impermanence

It's been a while since I last blogged. Much has continued to happen, milestones have come and gone. I haven't felt compelled to express my thoughts, I've been in this sort of weird state, really unlike me, a sort of state of  lethargy.. I'm never normally like that, I'm a 'get up and get at it' sort of guy (god sounds like I'm on a dating site). 

It's the summer holiday, a time of relaxation, reflection, having fun in the sun, booking holidays and forgetting about work, albeit momentarily..  I don't feel any of that though. Strange as it may seem I have always struggled a bit with the summer holidays. Lots of it alone, or with my Lil's over the years.. We've always done the parks, the swims, the beach, the days out, the days in, spending money, trying not to spend money. We still do from time to time, but Lil's is older now, insists on doing her own thing, the teenage habit of not getting up is creeping in. So that leaves more time on  my own, to look, to think, to brood, again not really me. 

So now its almost 4 months since Sue's death. The shock has subsided, occasional disbelief re-emerges but that too is fading, now I'm into this thing called impermanence, I like this word, it has layered meanings, a sort of change, flux, a continuation of time. It has Buddhist origins I'll let you know!! Nothing stands still, permanency doesn't exist. I think that's where I am, not knowing the future of course, like everyone, but my life changing, shifting, moving; the summer holidays will subside to be replaced by a new term of work. Lily starts a new school, the long days will draw to a close and my old house will creak, groan and shiver in the freezing temperatures of winter.  

My memories change as well. Lots of desperate images of illness and sickness being replaced by brighter, fantastic ones. It was my birthday a few weeks back, the old boy's turned 45. Suze always bought me amazing presents, organised amazing things for me. We were often on holiday so birthday banners, i-touches, cakes and drinks around shimmering pools in Cyprus is one. More vividly it was our anniversary on the 04th August, don't get me started on those memories. We were married in Argostoli Town Hall, Kefalonia. Funny thing it was the registrar's first one, she was nervous and a bit 'bumbly' although of course it was all Greek to us. But then there was someone else, the town mayor. Sue took a shine to him, even on our wedding day. For all the registrar's awkward nervousness he was calmness personified, smooth, dark and handsome, ha, ha... But she only had eyes for me, well sort of. The Waterwheel Restaurant by the banks of the lapping Ionian Sea. An amazing long, leisurely, boozy, hot reception with beautiful friends and family. These are amazing memories. They help me shift and change like the lapping Greek Sea. They make me smile. 

So time does indeed shift and Lily, Louise and I will move with this, move on in our own time, we want to be happy, like all of us we have this right. But I also know my friends and my family who have done so much to help us, I don't forget this, I never will, just like the memories of my beautiful Suze. I know my wife, she would want me to take care of the children and she would want us all to move on and have a happy life!

Screw You

To those that know me they are aware it is not in my nature, I run daily and am watchful to follow the ever conflicting advice about good diet and balance in what we eat the more than the odd aberration on alcohol aside. But grief does sly things with you, it likes to play tricks with you and tests your resilience, strength, fortitude and consistency. Sometimes I have an overwhelming desire to slouch on the sofa, 'wack' some crap on the telly, order the largest Domino's Pizza, pour myself an obscenely large glass of Sue's favourite Chateauneuf-Du-Pape, sink a tub of Haagen Dazs, stick a double two fingers in the air and say screw you, SCREW YOU! Ha, ha.... It makes me laugh......! 

But who am I screwing if you'll excuse the filthy pun? God! No, I've been there before in these blogs, not bothered by him now! The health service, no! The humorous insensitivity of people avoiding anything to do with death, dying, graves, illness or any other 'unmentionables' around me, no none of these. I'm saying 'screw you' to cancer, this despicable, disgusting disease that robs people of dignity, of loved ones and our attempts to live life hoping to avoid terrible tragedy and trauma. By saying 'screw you' often and loud enough we will defeat this illness one day, it will become a disease of the past. Lily competed in a 'Race for Life' and raised over £100 to help defeat this illness. Louise continues to live her life bravely, never forgetting her mum, but living her life, laughing and loving still, by this she is helping to defeat this disease. 

Two things recently that are also an amazing, living illustration of this. I shared a camping field in Oxford with 9 other dads and their children, all strangers to one another before the weekend but brought together by one defining thing, one terrible, tragic and lasting consequence, the untimely and early deaths of our beautiful wives and girlfriends. I came away from that weekend inspired, incredibly moved and humbled by brilliant, inspirational dads doing amazing things with their wonderful children. Playing with them, disciplining them, showing them the boundaries but loving them, caring and cuddling them or offering advice and as a result the children and young adults that were there were free to express themselves, to be themselves and live their lives just like any other child or young adult does despite their appallingly horrific circumstances, for make no bones about it, despite the fun and laughter, something appalling has happened to us all and continues to happen to us but we get on and thrive, despite this. In this way cancer will not defeat us. So for the Mike's and Mark's, Reece's, Richard's and others, to the beautiful children, the Sophie's, Olivia's and Holly's and others and to those beautiful, absent wives, girlfriends and mothers' to these wonderful children, this was our way to fight back, to remember, to get on and say 'screw you cancer'.

My sisters organised and hosted their garden fete to benefit Sue's charity, A.M.M.F. In brilliant sunshine we bought cakes, eat burgers, played human fruit machine, hooked a duck and sack raced our way to raising £500. I was humbled by incredibly personal but brave stories of defeating cancer and people, strangers listening to Sue's story. I like sharing this! It helps to communicate about what has happened. It's even better to tell people how amazing she was. If I could only tell the whole world how amazing she was, how brilliant Lily and Louise are at getting on, my wonderful sisters and those amazing dads and children, I would. 

Screw you cancer, screw you!