It's the summer holiday, a time of relaxation, reflection, having fun in the sun, booking holidays and forgetting about work, albeit momentarily.. I don't feel any of that though. Strange as it may seem I have always struggled a bit with the summer holidays. Lots of it alone, or with my Lil's over the years.. We've always done the parks, the swims, the beach, the days out, the days in, spending money, trying not to spend money. We still do from time to time, but Lil's is older now, insists on doing her own thing, the teenage habit of not getting up is creeping in. So that leaves more time on my own, to look, to think, to brood, again not really me.
So now its almost 4 months since Sue's death. The shock has subsided, occasional disbelief re-emerges but that too is fading, now I'm into this thing called impermanence, I like this word, it has layered meanings, a sort of change, flux, a continuation of time. It has Buddhist origins I'll let you know!! Nothing stands still, permanency doesn't exist. I think that's where I am, not knowing the future of course, like everyone, but my life changing, shifting, moving; the summer holidays will subside to be replaced by a new term of work. Lily starts a new school, the long days will draw to a close and my old house will creak, groan and shiver in the freezing temperatures of winter.
My memories change as well. Lots of desperate images of illness and sickness being replaced by brighter, fantastic ones. It was my birthday a few weeks back, the old boy's turned 45. Suze always bought me amazing presents, organised amazing things for me. We were often on holiday so birthday banners, i-touches, cakes and drinks around shimmering pools in Cyprus is one. More vividly it was our anniversary on the 04th August, don't get me started on those memories. We were married in Argostoli Town Hall, Kefalonia. Funny thing it was the registrar's first one, she was nervous and a bit 'bumbly' although of course it was all Greek to us. But then there was someone else, the town mayor. Sue took a shine to him, even on our wedding day. For all the registrar's awkward nervousness he was calmness personified, smooth, dark and handsome, ha, ha... But she only had eyes for me, well sort of. The Waterwheel Restaurant by the banks of the lapping Ionian Sea. An amazing long, leisurely, boozy, hot reception with beautiful friends and family. These are amazing memories. They help me shift and change like the lapping Greek Sea. They make me smile.
So time does indeed shift and Lily, Louise and I will move with this, move on in our own time, we want to be happy, like all of us we have this right. But I also know my friends and my family who have done so much to help us, I don't forget this, I never will, just like the memories of my beautiful Suze. I know my wife, she would want me to take care of the children and she would want us all to move on and have a happy life!
