Frozen

Shock accompanies disbelief, disbelief to a numb feeling, numbness to pain and loss, loss to this perpetual questioning, imagining,' thinking out loud' of what has gone and what is being lived through in the present and what might be in the future. Frozen thoughts and memories that remain still forever.  Endless imagined conversations are played over in the mind, like a playwright composing dialogue for a tragic tale of separation and loss. The dialogue comes thick and fast, is vivid and real, it stirs emotions of pain and anger, hurt and longing . It can stop you in your tracks just as soon as it starts or recoil to a dark place to gather its own thoughts again for the next assault. Convenient narratives contrived in the absence of knowing and truth. Such is the journey of grief and bereavement. Bereavement, the period of loss as one adjusts to trauma. Grief, the mental and emotional suffering one undergoes after loss. Definitions and explanations of all too real experiences. The period of coming to terms with losing someone you loved and cared for , still care for in essence and this ability now to separate what was once in this life that has now past, with what is currently happening, with what might be all too real in the future!

It is nigh on one year now since my wife Sue so tragically lost her amazingly courageous battle with illness. A year that of course has seen so much; unprecedented, un-chartered happenings. Laughter, getting on, difficulties, pain, hope, belief, they have all come and gone, like life does! Ebbing  and flowing like the tide simply underlining the unprecedented nature of what I live through now. No preparation or training, no 'would have done it this way or that' simply personal, unique and utterly, utterly private. In the same way that other family and friends endure the same journey albeit in their own way, but also personal and private.

I'm remembering my wife at the moment as this brilliant 'would be' businesswoman, entrepreneur, this extraordinary visionary! I wish she could sort mine and Lily's I.T issues out. Ha! Ha! She is power dressed and in control, at the head of an organisation. No doubt she would have seen 'Sue Sheppard Inc' on some gold plate in her own life had she just been given half a chance, half a chance in business and half a chance in life. Sue made her own luck, created her own chances from nothing, given more time she would have achieved even better things and scaled new heights. It was happening!

Lily remembers the glamour and dresses, high heels and make up. She also remembers this wonderful, caring and loving mum who knew how to instruct and love in an equal, effortless manner, something her dad is struggling to learn now by himself. Friends do amazing charitable deeds raising much needed funds for brilliant causes, keeping alive the memory in many beautiful ways. They describe this unforgettable energy, the fun, laughter and intense joy of life. How Sue was able to 'light up a room'. I understand how much my wife meant to such a lot of people, I also know how much her daughters miss their mum. I know about these things and I care about these things, deeply! I want these words to convey just that. She remains very much here in those memories day by day.
I enjoy this growing relationship I naturally have with my youngest Lily now. We spend a lot of time together, just being with one another, coming to terms with our loss in our own way and living life. We humour one another, laugh, have 'moments' of course and  make up. I try and understand her love of You-Tube as much as she sits and occasionally listens to me about the importance of reading, the un-importance of mobiles and enjoying the fresh air. But I like to think a bond between father and daughter strengthens day by day. We look out for one another, she is my world and I'd like to think that she cares about her dad too, in just a small way, like that? I think that would make her mum happy!

To all Sue's family and friends one year on. The pain of loss is still acutely felt but she remains very much a part of our dreams and memories for now and always.
Shine on Suzy this year, next year and forever.