There was this guy, he was a man of course and that's important in what is to come . He thought he was a bit different than the average male, he was told so, by men, by women, by both. It didn't make him special, just different, that's it...! O.K the difference; so he thought, remember he only thought, he could never certify it as fact of course, just thinking, it was emotional, it was open, it was direct. He wanted to express what he felt because that was the thing, what he felt he couldn't control; emotions, moods, feelings! You can try to seek ways to control these, you can apply thought restrictions, mechanisms and schemes in books, in apps, in payment, in making you socially relevant to your peers. All laudable I'm sure but I'm describing what I can only perceive as a personal thing, the 'un-controllable'. The un-remitting, quiet but powerful sub-text to all of our existences, that we can't buy, or purchase, or manage or micro effect, or...... erase! It's the emotion that dictates you, emanates from your core and predominates your life without exception. It can happen I'm led to believe over a course of time, it can be the result of hormones, it can be a terrible, terrible mental health issue where people often become the cause rather than the solution, it can come out of no-where or be relationship based or environmental or even social. In some cases it can come as a result of trauma, of drama, of shock! That's me (and others I know) and that's my uncontrollable mood, emotion, feeling, 18 months, 21 days, 12 hours on from that very moment.. Personal response..
Loneliness- The quality of being unfrequented and remote, more isolated.
Lonely- Never something to admit as a man because well, 'it's weak', 'and sad' and 'get over it'.
Man- Breathes, acts, sleeps! Evidently.
The wish to be alone- Work, relationships, play and then I'm desperate for some 'me' time and just to be alone. I felt this when with someone.
Lonesome- Not talked about,'then date','there are those who are destined to be single forever and let's not talk about that'. Difficult. Time. Complicated. For sure.. Alternative?
To express- 'Talk, communicate, don't bottle it up','don't be proud we need to share things'. It's not weakness, it's not strong, it's the opposite of strong, it leads to problems, anxiety, stress and maybe death.. That thing again.....
So I've become adapt at these things as a result of what only I saw, I'm not unique in what I feel or have undergone I understand, but I am in what I saw and what I experienced so it makes me something in all this, it gives me some credence, status. I miss my wife. Fact!
Selfish- Lacking consideration for others.
I don't, I try not to. I think little about my own grief and everything about others. I think about little else and therefore do not think about my own thoughts in that way. I have a responsibility, I have 2 actually, make that 3.. Each occupies my every thought, all the time. I'm self-deprecating, critical, I try not to be wrong, as we all do. I don't always succeed but 'god' from what experience can others advise or opioniate in this?
I- Pertaining to self.
On the 3rd responsibility I wrestle with what to do about loneliness, emptiness, a void, a chasm, a nothingness. Completing our picture, filling this gap. Changing our lives. I'm someone who has always sought the 'rush', the 'thrill', the 'excitement'. I trained as a professional actor, always searching for the ultimate opening night, ergo I've been a runner every day since the age of 13. It does the same thing, transcends me from the normal. I've always been that, looking at the clock, counting down each hour, looking forward to the rush. I don't do drugs, I try to satisfy my emotional cravings in other ways. It's who I am! 'I' again. Sorry....
Running, reading, meditation, new places, new people, more reading, more running, events, charity, spending money, spending more money, 'occupy yourself', 'keep busy', spend money. Sister loves me, family loves me. Self help, support groups, advice websites, forums, open up, express yourself, blog, don't blog! Keep quiet, try! Open door, shut door, 'your fault', blame, hate, blame, money. Sister loves me! Life, live, 'care for', be a good parent, be a good friend, expect things, expect nothing, get nothing, day after day. Friends contact, friends no contact. Loneliness!
Boredom- Lack of enthusiasm, lack of interest.
"I want you to write and write and never stop. Don't waste it Matty.."
I have responsibilities that I am determined to fulfil but the only way these can be fulfilled, is if I do indeed seek to address the un-controllable.
Is it any wonder therefore that for 'both' of our sakes I do what I do... No? Yes?
Love you babes!
