I'm trying my hardest to look after Lily and Louise, to allow them to be who they want to be, to take care of them and provide a nice home, a sense of comfort and somewhere they can rely on and call their own.
It's not easy though babes, it doesn't necessarily come naturally to me though I'm trying to learn fast. I know I need to.
You were amazing, like you were in most things. They loved you yet you could discipline them, they wanted so much from you and yet you managed to make them aware of being grateful for the small things. You watched me flounder with giving in as a dad and were always there to remind me about what I should and shouldn't be doing in that respect. That's why it's hard babes, you're not here to do that any-more, and as difficult as it is being a dad on my own, it feels even more difficult that approaching 3 months on from the last time we sipped tea together, 3 months on from the last time we looked into one another's eyes and said together, "I love you babes," 3 months on from the time you slipped your hand in mine and squeezed it tight, I miss you more than words can say. I miss you, love you and need you like you wouldn't believe. Time is still not kind to me on that front.
You'll be warmed to know though that what gets me through the seconds, minutes and days is our children.
They do well, they get on with their lives and they thrive babes. They miss you dearly too, there is not one day, one moment that is not filled with the memory of their mum, her laughter , her care, her joy, even her discipline. You have inspired us all, Lily, Lou, me, family and friends.
What has come to pass, what this wonderful, magical , brilliant tribute has become is the realisation of how amazing you were. Don't tell me to stop though, don't trivialise this, for it's the truth.
You cared about so many, adapted to all your friends varying temperments, demanded nothing from anyone but the truth, were self taught, knowledgeable and able and above all, even at the bitterest, dreadful end, brave.
Good god, my beautiful Suze, to keep us from unbelievable pain, to spare us the agony of really knowing, you did this to help me, and for that, that selfless bravery in the face of the most severe adversity, that bravery continues to inspire and help me and more importantly to help our daughters and our friends, all of whom who miss you just as much as Lou, Lily and I do.
So that's a good thing babes is it not? What better tribute to how amazing you were than to use that brilliance to continue to inspire our daughters, to remind your friends of what is and isn't important and to keep me afloat as I try to survive this grief thing for all our sakes.
Love you babes....
Matty
p.s. Glastonbury this weekend. I know what you're thinking, the last time I went I got pushed in a ditch. We'll remember all the good times though and Mandy, Ben, Hallie, Sam and Lil's will look after me and smile and do it in the way you would want us to. But it's hard babes and it isn't getting any better but something will get us through I'm sure, I hope! Something and nothing in this journey we're on.
Speak again soon but for the moment it can never be overstated, enough repeated or once again reiterated, "I love you babes and living life without you continues to be unbearably difficult but we are trying, we are all trying!"
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