Milestones

7.13am. "Keep going babes", "I love you, we're nearly there....", "We're nearly at the hospital darling, you're doing great.." "Keep with me babes, keep with me...." The last frantic words I ever said to my wife as the ambulance raced to the hospital on a sun-kissed Wednesday morning will remain as a sort of fateful milestone in my journey of grief, of life now actually. The last desperate, dramatic, heartbreaking moments of a beautiful life fading into perpetual darkness and my eternal memory is etched inexorably in my mind as a page, a chapter that began on Monday 10th February (sunny, un-seasonably warm outside) with diagnosis and ended on Wednesday 09th April with death.  

But like any good book, this one is a real page turner because as one chapter ended desperately, frantically, violently the images of pulling, ripping, pumping, bumping in a speeding ambulance the next chapter began. 

The next chapter is numb though. It consists of disbelief of a numbed un-acceptance that this tragedy has indeed happened and it isn't some shocking charade or vision where I'm waiting for normality to return and Suze to bounce  back in the room and shine like a diamond. It's filled with things of course, because it's the void that I desperately sought to avoid, so it was filled with things, stuff! Necessary stuff mind you. Cards, flowers, friends, respect, tears, words of comfort, words of disbelief, organisation of a funeral, Tuesday 15th April (grey, rolling clouds) eulogies, orders of service. And the days, weeks that followed, return to work, return to school, new job start-up for my amazing step-daughter Louise, Tuesday 22nd April!  Moving back home, Saturday 19th April, setting up our changed family. 

All important, not so much for what it was, perhaps more for what it did,  to fill that void, that blackness, that horrible, horrible hole that is grief, the empty bottomless well of 'that's that', 'never again', 'shocking lonliness', shrugged shoulders and a heartrenching feeling of a mother to two daughters gone forever. Other things filled this void as well. Better things. Laughter with friends, just being with people who care, Friday 16th May, 'Children of Eden' with the beautiful Miles', random kindness, messages of love. Saturday 17th May my family help me at home. 

These are inexorably good things, wonderful things, magnified so much in grief as to be almost an addition to this life changing chapter. To live my life thinking more of others, caring more about the people around me, kindness and care. Just like Suze did, just as she was! 

And then to the next chapter, learning to live with grief. The getting on, the getting by, the letting go, the never saying goodbye. Glastonbury and waving Sue's flag, the 27th, 28th, 29th June. Wednesday 09th July, 3 months to the day! Lily's graduation, Thursday 10th July, shockingly sunny, hot day, so amazing and fantastic recognising brilliant young people, raising expectations, refusing to give in to the age old moans and winging, just an amazing expression of a wonderful school having done amazing things with exceptional people. Sue was smiling on as Lily collected her certificate. Proud, beaming of our wonderful, inspirational, courageous daughter. 

The end of another summer term for me and the beginning of the long summer break, Thursday 10th July. I know what I want, I know the milestones I want to happen. Balmy days snoozing on a sun-kissed beach as afternoon fair weather clouds roll by, making, sharing and storing memories of London's bustle with Louise and Lily sipping cocktails in a Thameside bar, running long distances with the sun in my face and the corn swaying in the fields, wet feet from getting caught in a shower wearing only sandals, the sound of my daughters laughter, the sound of people together enjoying one another. These are the things, the stuff I hope for this summer. These new milestones, the next chapter. Friday 11th and Saturday 12th July camping with dad's and kids who have gone through loss at such a young age like me. Sunday 13th July, my sisters garden fete in aid of A.M.M.F. Saturday 30th August, Louise's birthday, Tuesday 02nd September, Lil's starts new school, Tuesday 16th September, babes 45th birthday. 

Dates, milestones, anniversaries, birthdays, part of the pages, the content of each chapter. Positive, bright, good times,all in her memory, how she would want us to be. Remembering what Lily wrote, "To me she'll live on in my heart and my mind, her beauty and fun and being extra kind. My mum was so special, her smile and her touch, good night my sweet angel, I love you so much!" We journey on babes but we never forget.