Faith

Straight afterwards , I mean even when the hospital nurses and doctors are shocked, or more fearful actually of imparting the news of a loved one's death it's so difficult to understand and appreciate that what was here moments, seconds ago is now gone forever. Like this line drawn in the sand, or chalk hurriedly scrawled down a board, we're all on this side now still the same, breathing! But they're that side, dead, and not! How is this? Not death so much although that's bad enough, but the line more, the time, seconds between here and gone, moments defining 'with us or not'. I think about this, about the time it takes for love, life, presence to go and what is left? Our life, but not their's. Perhaps we should be thankful therefore. To whom I don't know, god? More about him later.
Grief and death make you think a lot, I've always been a thinker, it's my job, it's who I am, I've always questioned and thought this way and that, what if ? Could it be done differently? I encourage my students to do the same. Now I'm doing it more than ever.
If a person is old and dies quietly and peacefully in their sleep in the full knowledge of a life lived it is sad. If someone goes before their time it is incomprehensibly tragic, especially when they were so full of life, that's it full of life, if there is a difference, that it is. Gone before they should because of a life still to be lived. That is my grief at the moment. Grief, so many things, but ultimately private, personal and alone. Lou, Lily, me, alone with it ourselves!
Sue is not at rest, she didn't wan't to go, none of us wanted her to go, so that euphemism doesn't apply here. To the elderly who were in pain maybe, to those who state they can't go on, I understand. But Suze was a mover, circulating, orbiting never stopping, she didn't want to rest, that was the last thing on her mind. And I know she is missing her Louise and Lily like you wouldn't know, I think and hope she misses me? So all four of us are actually grieving for one another, us here, Suze somewhere else.
And so to god, heaven, wherever she might be looking down at us or living on within us and as part of us. I don't really know about any of these if I'm honest. Comfort comes in peoples' kindness here and now not making things up in our imagination I think. I can see her in Lily though, and in the way Louise laughs and can only do what I know she would want me to do. That I do know for sure. Which is, not to dwell, or be maudlin, self pitying, succumbing, feeling sorry for myself, but in helping my daughters so they can live their life, as she did, to the full and without care to conforming or following what might be expected in some rule book. And to touch people as she did. To touch so many, many people with just who she was and what she possessed. Grace, knowledge, style and love. We love you babes!