The obvious sign of my tears is greeted by, " You alright dad, we'll be OK?".... The staying away, the going places, the sleepovers with friends, they are always followed by, "I wanted to come home dad, to be with you, to check you are coping!" "I've made you an AMMF Loom bracelet."
"THE GIFT OF HEALTH IS KEEPING ME ALIVE." c
My wife wrote notes and messages in capitals during her battle where amazingly she gave thanks for everything she had. She extolled the positives and embraced the beauty of Lily, Louise, Mandy and all her friends and family despite the appalling inevitability of her wicked disease. She even found time to say how amazing I was? How much I cared for her, loved her and nurtured her in those final, agonising weeks. But although I read these words back again and again with some degree of introspection I am, by my very nature, overcome more by my emotional responses than my logical ones. It might well be shattering, the words that Sue appears to utter from beyond the grave unbelievably heartbreaking, but the words themselves, their honesty, truth, even brutalness offer the one thing that is a glimpse of light amongst the darkness of our despair and grief and that is hope! Hope for Louise to continue to be successful in her job, to enjoy her life and relationships, hope for Lily to continue to grow as a mature, amazing person full of success, ideas and brilliance. And hope for me maybe that in some small way I can act and conduct myself in a manner that would make Sue proud and grateful, content and happy in a place now where she desperately misses her daughters and friends, family and life.
"I AM BLESSED TO HAVE THE MOST AMAZING DAUGHTERS." c
There's a narrative here, a story, it has a natural beginning that involves a sudden, un-explained pain, an exposition of people, hospitals, treatments, equipment and places. The middle is terrible! It's someone at the end of life in this world, showing courage and beauty amidst such pain, shattering tragedy and then ultimately death. And then the end. But no end, life continues, the narrative and our journey continues, to live our life, to remember our beautiful mother, wife, sister and friend, to make sure we honour her amazingness and to try to get a little bit close, just a little bit to who she was and who she touched by our actions and deeds. Amazing and inspiring, touch-felt, human and courageous. Sparkling! "Shine on like a diamond!"
"I AM SO GRATEFUL TO BE SPENDING MORE TIME REGULARLY WITH MIKE." c
So hope, a desire or expectation for something to happen, a wish but also importantly an assumption of finding my way, our way beyond the grief and into the next stage of our narrative, because it's ours now, Louise's, Lily's and mine. Ours! Always with Sue in our mind, but ours and our family and friends!
"I AM SO GRATEFUL MY FRIENDS HAVE SHOWN SUCH LOVE AND COMPASSION TOWARDS ME AT THIS TIME." c
Shine on friends.......
"THANK-YOU, THANK-YOU, THANK-YOU, FOR THE PERFECT RESOLUTION." c
c- copyright Susan Frances Sheppard
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